Quick Reactions Cause Big Hurts

I’ve written in the past that God has been on my case about being patient. I’m not a patient person and it comes out in how I talk and react to people and situations. It’s also gotten me in trouble a few times. Well, today is no different, I was reminded again that I need to be patient in things I say and do and really think about them first.

I have this terrible habit of sending or forwarding emails to the wrong people. This is mainly due to the fact that I don’t pay attention but also because I’m quick to react and don’t think about what I’m doing, I just forge full steam ahead into trouble. My husband’s been on the receiving end of this more than once. Before we started dating I forwarded an email from him to a cousin because I was confused and wanted some input. Well, you guessed it, I forwarded it to him. I violated his trust and privacy but he forgave me and married me anyway.

You’d think I would have learned my lesson but it happened again just last year. I was upset with him about something and sent an email to a good friend complaining about him. You guessed it; I sent the email to my husband instead. He had every right to be upset with me but he forgave me again.

Last night I did it again. I had a falling out with a relative, E, about 6 years ago. She’s actually the one that introduced me to my husband and that falling out also affected his relationship with her. In the past 6 years that I’ve been married I’ve had contact with E about 3 times and each time it was very formal and felt strained. I never thought we’d get back what we had and I told myself it didn’t bother me. The other evening E called and it was a nice somewhat relaxed conversation. After that she made the effort to contact me by email sharing family photos and history. I in turn responded to those emails and thought I felt some of those walls start to fall away, until I messed up AGAIN. I sent an email to another relative telling him about the emails and if he’d like me to send him the photos. At the end I said something I shouldn’t have said but I was putting on my “tough as nails” façade and what I said could have been hurtful to E. Well, you guessed it; I sent that email to the wrong person. I sent it to E. It wasn’t until after I realized what I’d done that I got this knot in my stomach and realized I’d probably rebuilt that wall stronger than it was before. Now I fear it will never be able to be torn down. It wasn’t until that knot that I realized how much E means to me and how much I’ve missed her in the past 6 years. I miss our midnight phone conversations, our emails and I miss laughing with her.

I sent an email to her with an apology but how many times can you say you’re sorry for something you keep doing before the apology just becomes words with no meaning.

E, I didn’t have the chance to tell you about my many blogs and you probably won’t be reading this but if you do happen to find it, I’d like you to know I’m truly sorry and never meant to hurt you.